funny thing, looking back…

15 May

So here I am….writing another random and completely inconsistent blog post. Maybe spring makes me just wanna just word vom.

How do I begin to explain to you how life has changed? Big things first? Minor details bore me as well as depress me so I will not divulge:

Whole of 2014, first year as a nurse: WHOA STRESS! And then life goes, hey by the way your grandpa just had a massive brain hemorrhage and is brain dead, he is dead a week later. Ok ok cool, rite of passage ey? I can continue to move into my first solo bolo apartment alone in the city, YEY! Everything is manageable….but wait your best friend has been dating and fucking an ex you were devastated after breaking up and it is a huge and terrible scandal where your good intentions are totally manipulated into thinking you are the bad guy….enter serious rage! OK OK you can get over that, throw yourself into work and blowing subsequent money, no probs y’all, we can deal!

Life is stressful for awhile due to work and lack of orientation at work so you are basically thrown into the deep end as a new nurse in an ER….but you rock that shit, bitch! You may not be employee of the year but fuck em’! Your sense of accomplishment is a rock hard phallus of a metaphor and its all gravy. You’re wheeling and dealing and getting fucked up with your best friend every weekend and you live in the hippest area of the city and shit is RAD AF!

So…..why do you feel bored? As you write that, you should’ve felt great you ungrateful little child! What were you thinking….

Next thing you know, you are trying to sow your oats with some strange down the block on a Friday night. Saturday, hungover and awkward you get a call from your sister: Dad is hemorrhaging from his trach, you need to get over here. You’ll arrive to the hospital after what can only be referred to as a fucking DEATH RACE from St. Louis to Maryville and you almost crash about three times, I mean literally almost crash. Someone is 100% monitoring my every move from beyond because I should have wrecked my shit. Well little do you know, Thanksgiving was the last time you would see him alive because during your mad dash your sister calls. Of course that isn’t good. You already know before you call her back and hear her tearful voice say they are doing CPR that your dad is dead. And then you are at peak adrenaline as you sprint into the ER waiting room fucking frantic as a mother FUCKER. You see Ruth Ann, your second mother and coincidentally the House Supe of the hospital that is three minutes from home. Three minutes from home and it still wasn’t enough time. He is a bloody mess laying dead on a stretcher as you walk in to see the most jarring image one can imagine their hero being apart of. Nurses doing half ass CPR either because A. his chest is huge or B. they knew. Enter shock. Shock as in slow motion you take in the surroundings: At least six people, probably four nurses and two doctors. You vaguely hear what the doctor is saying as there is an IV catheter sticking out of your dad’s second intercostal space (which as you learn in ACLS is an attempt to drain the BLOOD from your dad’s lungs), his trach is removed because they had to stick tubes into his man-made oriface because he is bleeding into his lungs. But thats not what sticks with you. What really seals the deal is that your father’s soul is gone from his body. He has entered the fucking void ladies and gentlemen. And you have to be the one to tell these strangers to quit hammering on his dead body. As a nurse, you know he is dead so you just tell them to stop. Mom, he’s gone. Just stop, he’s gone. Your mom, your sister and you, silence. Mortified faces staring at you as the worst seconds of your life tick by. Ian is there 45 minutes later. You are standing over his body with your hand rested on his forehead while it gets cold. Just like grandmas did four years ago and just like grandpas did only months before.

Over the next days, weeks, months, years-ish, people will call you brave. People will look at you with sympathy, people will say the wrong things, your boyfriend will leave you, your friends will have abandoned you in a time of need, not all of course but there are long stretches where you are crying alone in your apartment and thanking the universe that you have fucking soft ass toilet paper and great furniture. You will learn that grief isn’t like they portray in the movies. You will learn that your family is what you have in this life. You will grow exponentially closer to each and every one of them.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”

Anais Nin

And it hit you, you have to leave. Logically, if your dad whom you for realio resemble dies at 59, what bearing does that have on your life expectancy given that you have been partying and doing drugs and smoking and having a stressful ass job? Honey you need to get it together and scare yourself because this shit is not going to work. So you scare yourself. You move to Denver eight months later. And you fail. You party and you fuck and you hike and you fail at work and you fail at men because they are all too much for you and you should of just fucked and left but you were drunk of course or lonely and you involved your emotions even though you KNEW better and then you don’t really know what you are doing after you wake up with a neck full of hickies and a masssssssssssssive hangover the day after Halloween. And you find solace yet again in family in a whole different part of the country ( Sensing a theme yet?) And these boys are just clinging and clinging to any part of you they can get. And the most fucked yet unsurprising thing is that they never fucking ask about you. Oh but they say they care but they have no idea what the fuck is going on and all they want is to just see you one more time because they care about you. Bitch, you want that ASS. So I tell all of them to fuck off…except the way I do it is blanket block their asses….my terminology for removing them from your phone, blocking text/calls, Snapchat, Insta and especially Facebook. Just like they never existed because if can’t see it, it doesn’t exist! Someone should create an app for that.

So then you move to the Bay area. And you do the same thing at first LOL. But this time you have enough sense to chill out and not to let it completely fuck up your job and skate on by with good looks and personality and a semblance of knowledge, but since you work with hatin’ ass females in a position of authority they don’t like you. But now you’ve decided to stay (somewhere else of course).  The money is great, moving your life out here is WHOA stress but HEY, you’ve been down this road, sister. You’ve got this. A little patience, meditation, word vom on wordpress, and a daily affirmation of your long term goals and BAM! You got yourself a fucking mantra.

Fast forward to today: I’m inside as fuck on a beautiful Saturday waiting for my roomie to get home. He is the best thing since sliced bread. A savior of sorts, really. My gay hubs, my bromance. Single, coming around to the idea that I am deserving of the incessant male attention that I get…..maybe deserving not so much as I am objectively pretty and males do this really awkward ritual wherein they really do their best to impress me. I mean really everything from that gleam in their eye that they find you stunning to literally propositioning you to be their mistress. I mean fuck me when a single man who fits my standards actually hit on me I would freeze and ruin the whole fucking thing. But really, how fucked up is that? I am solely approached my taken men. What kind of confidence does that instill in my core belief that there is a soulmate? Fucking none. I am discovering that I am old fashioned, despite my ability to support myself financially there is still an appeal at a soul level for me to submit to a man in a relationship. Submit does not have to refer to a negative behavior but just allowing him to take the lead whenever that mandates.  A partnership shrouded in love and complete adoration that allows my man to sense when I need that. I am afraid that if I continue to establish myself alone and follow through my life goals that I will be too independent and less willing to allow someone into my life.

 

Which reminds me of something people keep telling me, ‘You should work on you for awhile.’ What does that even mean? Don’t lose yourself in a man? Too late, been there and bounced back already. But is it something people say out of resentment of their own decisions or is it something they actually mean? I see happy couples who have been together since birth and I see couples that have met later in life that are just as happy. So again, someone else’s dogma being forced down my throat because I am single and twenty something. What if I want a loving relationship and something to look forward to outside of cheap stares from men. I want a long passionate kiss from a man after work, I don’t want some piece of shit hiding behind the Tinder app or shit, Facebook asking to see my pussy. That is my boyfriend’s job.

 

*sigh* I have gotten enough off of my pierce-nippled chest for now.

TLDR: Life doesn’t get easier, you just become stronger.

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41 Completely Badgirl Anaïs Nin Quotes

13 May

Thought Catalog

Nicki VarkevisserNicki Varkevisser

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.
I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.
Ordinary life does not interest me.
Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.
Good things happen to those who hustle.
I am only responsible for my…

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I just want to understand….

13 May

Man…TV and video games have seriously impuned on the productivity of Americans. I mean seriously…why go out and work hard when I can sit here and be hypnotized and thus distracted from my own abilities and talents??? I’ll tell you why….because the people you borrow money from are still sittin her empty handed, the activites that you pay taxes for are open for you, the public, and because EVERYONE ELSE HAS TO TOO. It GRINDS MY GOD DAMNED gears sometimes. I’m hit up left and right for money…..maybe it’s because it may appear to an untrained eye that since I live with my parents that I don’t pay bills. Well I am here to tell you that WE THE PEOPLE who work our asses of to have money for US, feel realllllyyyy jaded when we are taken advantage of…by people we love no less, family!! It doesn’t matter what the fuck I spend my money on, just because I don’t have an apartment DOESN’T necessarily have all this extra cash laying around! School is expensive y’all!

 

Back to why TV impunes on Americans productivity…

Some people are just USED to and accustomed to or adjusted to the fact that TV will be there to watch and waste time. You know when you are done numbing your mind there are more important things in life than what happens next in the saga of Sookie (granted I do watch that show) nevertheless the seasons of Charmed you’ve seen over and over. Get out and move. THe more effort you put towards getting up and making the money to support yourself, the more you will get out of it.

 

I just seem to misunderstand why my hard earned money is thought of as a savings account to others

The Plight of Strength

13 May

Someone once told me that since I am a strong woman, that I [subconsciously] don’t need a tight clique of women around me. I guess there is some truth to that…but that doesn’t mean I am not lonely at times. I apparently have this key to the unspoken underground of strength.I doubt that others flaunt this unwavering ability to let it roll off the back and keep on chuggin’. I guess I recently realized that because there are vultures in the world that are ready for any stench of rot and weakness, they are ready to pounce. Sometimes either party may realize this until it is too late… FOR EXAMPLE: ( PS/Beware: I love to relate what I write about to my own personal happenstance because it is all I know. When I go through it, I know exactly what I am feeling and try as I might, I can’t accurately deduce what someone else is feeling in regards to their sitch :)) Again for example, I discovered an ex- boyfriend of mine to be extremely needy as it was. Through all of his charm and grandeur, what he was really doing was enticing me to be a pillar of support in his otherwise putrid world. It unfortunately took me a couple years to realize , but then it was too late. I was drained and began to isolate. My personhood, my STRENGTH was burnt out like a cheap light bulb: worn, broken, and above all lost of light.

PS- That will definitely make a bitch reconsider her shit…lemme tell you. Is this what everyone goes through? If it is….what the fuck life? What kind of cruel shit is that….seriously. Karma? Flow of life? Whatever…I call it bullshit. I think I need to start a support group for broken ass women just to remind them that they are still whole!

Moving on…The point of my tangent is this…silent strength is just as rampant as silent sadness or shit even silently plotted revenge! I think it should be highlighted and commended. Do you know why its not? Strength in a person, not just a women delivers rewards far beyond medals, recognitions and trophies…It returns in love and eventually happiness, I think. My grandparents remained strong during a German invasion during WWII and continued on to live glorious and successful lives, raising a family and planting roots in St. Louis. I mean through many trials and tribulations we are here! I am a descendant, as I have mentioned in a previous post, of strong individuals willing to RISK IT ALL for their children. How else to better be repayed than a continuous lineage based on YOUR LOVE?

Silent strength is kept silent also in part because society tries to imprint in your skull the need to be with someone at all fucking times. YOU NEED A FAMILY! WE NEED CONSUMERS! . I will tell you one thing though: throughout my personal trials and tribulations I have grown to say FUCK society. I mean, was I a weaker woman I would be crumbling in defeat from my numerous stressors that have been berating me recently. And not only that, but other women sometimes are sizing me up as completely batshit insane…and I think I am officially in love with the feeling. Until you understand how empowered you feel after realizing that someone legitimately believes you to be completely weird and obscure, and that you don’t give a flying FUCK? Please try it…it is definitely not for the weak of heart.

I love it because day by day this realization leads me to make changes…I am able to be more honest with people, as well as myself. I am able to better make decisions regarding my future. And in an area where confidence has completely eluded me in the past, men, I am able to make the BEST decisions for me. I wish I could accurately paint a picture of how I did it… but to be honest I am not even going to try. Reason being, I can’t give anyone any answers of how. I didn’t have those answers when I sought them, I formulated my own. It wasn’t for lack of trying though, let me tell you!

 

Some may read this, if it ever passes any eye besides my own, and say oh, well she’s young, too young to judge life. Maybe I am…but I know in my heart of hearts that some grown ass women that I personally know and am thinking of in my head right now have not obtained such a level of strength that ALLOW them to live a free life. Maybe I should research some meditations or words of encouragement…right now though even putting the facet of personal strength on your radar in enough for me. We ALL can be strong and own our own life. Start now.

Learning to trust your gut: Women’s Intuition

8 Jul

Dear Confident Woman,

I want to admit a swindling….of me. I was played like a two-bit sucker, by a manipulative punk bitch posing as an intelligent man. Ew. I can’t believe my own stupidity. What I also can’t believe is that I am not the only one who has gone back, nee, accepted more than ONCE the bullshit a manipulator has called a personality back into my life. Parasitism.

 

I want whomever is reading this to pay very close attention. Listen to your gut. Listen to that little voice telling you what you should really do. Trust yourself and your intuition because it knows what is best for you. I know this is hard, but please trust me when I tell you that no matter what it ends up changing in your life it is worth it. I am 23. I have, hopefully, and ungodly amount of life left to live and discover. Please do not settle for ANYTHING LESS than amazing. Do something that scares you every single day. Don’t let the punk bitches of the world suppress your beautiful soul. You are amazing.

 

I have posted the link below to a rant from www.heartless-bitches.com. It delivers the deets to recognize when you have a manipulative fucker in your personal midst. Read carefully….it took me a sec to relate this to my sitch but it is definitely SPOT on after a little personal introspection.

 

Manipulative JERKs and How to Spot Them

Born of power and strength, I am my grandmothers’ descendant.

9 Oct

Today, I miss my grandmother. I was 9 when I lost her. She is there spiritually though. I know this because she came to me in a dream the morning of my other grandma’s passing. In a land of my subconcious’ creating, I walked up the steps through a mass of people and into a bedroom. In the dim corner of the bed she lay atop her colorful knitted quilts. She had long red hair in this dreamland, which is striking because I only ever knew her with short red curls. She motioned to come to her and lay with her. I did so and she held me tight and told me it was okay. I woke up in a daze and later on trying to repeat my experience only dulled the experience because my words could not accurately portray the feeling I felt.

I am 22 when I realize I need her the most. So much wisdom physically gone. Both grandmothers full of SO much knowledge and experience that it is breathtaking to realize I do not get to soak it up as often as I can. This time in my life is valuable in terms of setting up my future and in the words of Steve Jobs, you have to connect the dots of the past to determine the future. When I try to seek my future it is more difficult because I have to interpret their pasts myself and take from it what I can. This, to me, is heartbreaking. I am trying to avoid my own interpretation. My interpretation has been wrong thus far and I am looking for OTHER words of wisdom. Death is something we all share and one day I will share it with them and know all of them. For right now, the confusion and the solution is up to me to determine.

What I do take from them in invaluable. I take from them the power to hold your head up and do what you can to get where you want to be. I take from them the power to support and the power to make the correct decision for me and be open minded to possibility. WHat I have missed the mark on is applying it. I look at some of the relationships I have created from my behavior and realize that this isn’t what I want. This isn’t what I need. From now on I have to plan to live with the values they’ve passed down, not forge my own out of guessing and speculation.

Respect yourself. Feel good, be good, do good. Eliminate the negativity. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere positive.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

12 Sep

The truth really is that no one can make you feel inferior WITHOUT you letting them.

It’s a crappy truth, but literally everyone has an agenda. I was hardpressed to learn this lesson but no matter what, I believe that it is one of the most important lessons to learn in life. Its wild because this applies to everyone in every situation and the sad truth is that it is hard to find those right people to surround yourself with.

The path to getting there and learning who you can and cannot surround yourself with begins with learning to stand up for yourselves and/or  don’t allow people to see the certain side of you that you may feel is vulnerable. This is the key to all personal interaction. Be political in your approach. It is not wise to get too far into a interaction at work when there is a possibility it may backfire and all of the sudden you are in the middle. Same idea with acquaintences, same idea with new and budding male/female sexual interests. Guard yourself. If they want to learn, they can work for it. Many aspects of yourself are best left as mysteries. Weak individuals are like fleas, they prey on the vulnerable and are really fucking hard to get rid of once they have manifested and laid their eggs.

On the same note, realize who those people are and observe more closely their interactions with you and with others. Weak posing as strong. Lying about small things to hide their own truths that they are ashamed of. Once you notice them….they are everywhere.

 Now, there are so many varying degrees of this sentiment,  but I feel like I can say this to you all because I have personally been taken advantage of so many times. I finally realized that it wasn’t just the people who I was in the situation doing these things to ME, but it was ME who let it all happen by not guarding myself one way or another. Whether it be between the girl who I presumed to be my best friend who got over on me so hard I didn’t know what hit me to the guy who I hooked up with unwillingly because I was drunk and vulnerable. In this life, you have to be careful.

 I have told many a friend the truth about a situation where they needed to take a real motherfucker roll call and watch who didn’t raise their hand. Subsequently, I am the friend they stop coming to for advice. It happens over and over again, but I refuse to just be a lending ear and watch someone I care about go through bullshit (usually with some douche who is taking advantage) and let it happen. People don’t want to hear the truth and I am not the type to sugarcoat and that is why you should heed my words. This isn’t opinion, this is my point of view on a phenomenon that happens every single day.

I go on this rant but it is still difficult for me to have confidence SOMETIMES when it comes to personal situations as well. I am always learning and inadvertantly testing myself.  If I listened to my own advice all of the time, I would never have any issues and lord knows I do. Anyway,  my boyfriend and I would have broken up weeks ago (due to certain situations I won’t go into because I am trying to be above it) if I had stuck strictly to my advice in a black and white way.  But there is always gray area within personal relationships. When love is involved it is VERY hard to see clearly and like I just said, not everything is black and white. Listen to your gut when it comes to the gray area of life. 

I would also  like to say that it  is never easy to realize who is on your side and who isn’t. Sometimes its about who has their own agenda and whose plan of which you are merely collateral damage.

 

I want to end this blog on a note of positivity and say that life is a building process and we are all learning. I want to remind you that I am writing this to you in hopes (in reference to what I said earlier) that at least one person heeds my stories and makes a different decision. As women, we, by default, are viewed as weak and are exploited all of the time. You must make it a practice to STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS ( just like  in the words of Robert Nesta Marley.)

“Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses.”

– Madame Marie du Deffand