Archive | October, 2011

Born of power and strength, I am my grandmothers’ descendant.

9 Oct

Today, I miss my grandmother. I was 9 when I lost her. She is there spiritually though. I know this because she came to me in a dream the morning of my other grandma’s passing. In a land of my subconcious’ creating, I walked up the steps through a mass of people and into a bedroom. In the dim corner of the bed she lay atop her colorful knitted quilts. She had long red hair in this dreamland, which is striking because I only ever knew her with short red curls. She motioned to come to her and lay with her. I did so and she held me tight and told me it was okay. I woke up in a daze and later on trying to repeat my experience only dulled the experience because my words could not accurately portray the feeling I felt.

I am 22 when I realize I need her the most. So much wisdom physically gone. Both grandmothers full of SO much knowledge and experience that it is breathtaking to realize I do not get to soak it up as often as I can. This time in my life is valuable in terms of setting up my future and in the words of Steve Jobs, you have to connect the dots of the past to determine the future. When I try to seek my future it is more difficult because I have to interpret their pasts myself and take from it what I can. This, to me, is heartbreaking. I am trying to avoid my own interpretation. My interpretation has been wrong thus far and I am looking for OTHER words of wisdom. Death is something we all share and one day I will share it with them and know all of them. For right now, the confusion and the solution is up to me to determine.

What I do take from them in invaluable. I take from them the power to hold your head up and do what you can to get where you want to be. I take from them the power to support and the power to make the correct decision for me and be open minded to possibility. WHat I have missed the mark on is applying it. I look at some of the relationships I have created from my behavior and realize that this isn’t what I want. This isn’t what I need. From now on I have to plan to live with the values they’ve passed down, not forge my own out of guessing and speculation.

Respect yourself. Feel good, be good, do good. Eliminate the negativity. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere positive.